This was my first time participating in a sweat.  I had a little bit of an idea what to expect, but tried not to hold any expectation of a result.  Though I suppose I hoped to have some interesting experiences to go deeper within myself.  Well I certainly did that and then some.  During the first pour, I noticed very little out of the ordinary.  But the second pour was wild.  As the grandfathers ( hot rocks) were being brought into the pit in the center of the lodge, I found myself beginning to breath heavy.  I felt animalistic strength rising within me.  My body and spirit were preparing for something big…my mind on the other hand was 10 steps behind.  I was thinking…”okay this is weird, I guess something interesting is going to happen.  We haven’t even started any guided visualizations, heck I don’t even know what the theme for this pour is…but my body seems to think it’s important and is cranking up the power higher with every breath.”  As the door closed my shoulders became wider, back straightened, sitting taller, and breath…stronger, deeper and more powerful.  That’s when I found out that this pour would be dedicated to the element of fire.  I’d say that fit what I was feeling pretty well.  In my visualization I jumped right into a volcano to allow my old self to be burned away, and allow my core to heat up to super power.  And holy heat up I did!  I began to feel massive amounts of energy.  The energy became very aggressive.  Not angry necessarily.  Just very aggressive.  Like a Wolf putting every ounce of effort into routing an enemy away from it’s den.  I began to Growl, Roar, I even howled a few times.  I felt a natural need to get on all 4’s.  No one else would see me, so there need not be any embarrassment about it…so I did.  Roaring and growling.  When I had fully engaged the experience of the powerful animal energy within me, the calm energy of the rest of the group helped me to settle back into my body.  I still felt the fire in my body, and felt that I could access it’s massive energy any time I needed to push forward with something.  I hadn’t felt this fire power so naturally before.  I have felt masculine energy before, but it was not really under my control, so usually I would stifle it, and live in a more feminine shell.  After fully expressing it, and recognizing my true masculine depth, I felt like I could truly embrace it from now on.

     A couple weeks later I was out wall climbing with my brother and a couple friends.  I find that when I get into any strenuous physical activity my body tires very quickly.  This excursion was no exception.  The first couple climbs were very challenging, and I didn’t think my arms would recouperate. But with about 20 minutes of rest, they would refresh enough to make another climb.   But after climbing half a dozen walls, my arms were like jello.  I would make one or 2 steps up a wall, and my body would become a useless floppy rag.  I still wanted to climb, but I couldn’t grip anything.  I decided to push myself to keep going even when my strength was gone.  One particular wall dipped in for the first 6 feet, then jutted out about a foot, then continued straight up for the next 20 feet.  Getting over the jut in the wall was very challenging for a total novice climber… especially with jello arms.  I tried about 8 times to get past this area, and each time, my arms would give out before I could pass it.  Then it came to me….I may be tired, but could I re-energize with that sweatlodge fire energy?  I paused.  I told my spotter that I was going to take a break for a minute.  I gazed at the wall, focused on my breath, then increased the depth and rate of my breath, and began to focus on my fiery aggression.  Within a minute I could visual as few sparks in my belly.  I was still very tired, and figured that that was about as good as I was going to get.  I breathed a couple more deep breaths, and feeling absolute conviction I asked…or more accurately - warned - my spotter “you ready for this?” As soon as he said yes...I shot up that wall like the incredible hulk chasing down his mortal enemy.  I felt very powerful…I could tell that my arms were still weak, but I pushed up that wall before they could weaken enough to stop me.  On the last hand grip my jello arms got the better of me and I slipped.  I swore at the wall, putting everything into it, grabbed the grip again, moved my foot up to the next foot hold.  Jumped and slammed the buzzer at the top of the wall.  I yelled YES!!!  I yelled at the wall like “I beat you f…..!”  I cannot recall ever feeling a success like that one.  I would guess it would be like vanquishing an opponent who was much stronger and more skilful.  My co-climbers all expressed shock and surprise at my sudden burst.  They had been watching me flounder, fail and fall over and over for the last 15-20 minutes, then without warning turn into a climbing monster handling the top 20 feet of wall as easily as slicing butter on a warm summer day.

Even when I am not actively breathing into that fire, I am walking straighter, stronger, with power, purpose and passion.  The world doesn’t need my old quiet nervous energy anymore.  And even if it does…It’s not going to get it.  

Jason S.